“How am I still single?” you ask. Let me explain the ways.
1. Must love kids, but not really want them.
I don’t trust people that don’t like kids and I don’t completely trust myself to have them. On the off chance we do have little baby alien humans, you must be a magnificent father because I will be a mediocre mother at best.
2. Must be over 5’8’’ even though I’m under 5’3’’.
It’s important that I feel like a little spoon at all times, which requires at least a five-inch height difference. This will allow me to gain a bit of weight (something I can do but you probably shouldn’t) and still feel small in comparison.
3. Can’t be religious but should be comfortable with my overwhelming Jewishness.
We don’t believe in God in this relationship, but we do believe in…
Just let me be (located on the side of the head).
It has recently come to my attention that I am “not cool”, “for olds” and “over” and I would like to take this opportunity to defend myself. And I’d like to start by asking: since when do the youths have a say? Back in my day, old white men decided how things should be and they never had a problem with my location on the deep left side of the scalp.
These middle-parters on TikTok seem to think that being a side part is a choice. It is not. My millennial was born this way and as much as she…
How to grieve for your love life.
Stage 1: Panic
So this is how I die? Alone in my thirties in a basement apartment with my Wiccan roommate and her miniature dachshund in the next room? I wonder if any of my exes are available to marry me immediately. Okay, no. This is fine. Let me just update the ‘Looking for’ in my dating app profiles to: “Someone with a large one — two-bedroom apartment, a 401K, and who will love me unconditionally but also leave me alone most of the time. Bonus points if you have a dog.”
Stage 2: Patience
I mean, how much longer could this last — a month…
I take absolutely no responsibility.
In the spirit of Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Lindsey Graham, Mitch McConnel, Marco Rubio, and of course, Donald Trump — a crew I have affectionately nicknamed “The Sycophant Six”, I’d like to take this opportunity to unequivocally condemn the consequences of any and all questionable, despicable, or insurrection inducing actions I have ever taken. In reading this statement I hope you will join me in shirking responsibility, lying, and moving on — for the good of m̶y ̶p̶o̶l̶i̶t̶i̶c̶a̶l̶ ̶c̶a̶r̶e̶e̶r ̶ the country.
My full statement:
- The condition of my living room rug is a shocking assault on the aesthetic of…
New year, new ways to prevent the spread of COVID-19.
- Live a healthier lifestyle by getting vaccinated before Brittany — your high school nemesis, longtime Facebook friend, and current multi-level marketing scheme participant. If you can’t figure out a way to get inoculated before someone that peddles Avon Products for “a living” then please consider yourself a failure.
- Travel more than just between your bed and your couch. Show the mid-century modern living room accent chair you bought from your racist neighbor on Nextdoor some love. It too would like to mold into the shape of your ass.
- Save money on car insurance by switching to GEICO. And then selling…
Does “the talk” still come with free condoms when you’re in your thirties?
Striking the right balance between quality family time, a dating life, free laundry, and not exposing your family to a deadly virus because of your dating life can be tough. Especially when said deadly virus is more prevalent than (and just as likely to be undetectable as) HPV. So what’s a thirty-something-year-old single woman who chose to be in a COVID bubble with her family but is also desperately trying to get laid (me) supposed to do? Well, here are some options:
1. Just do it.
No huss no fuss, rip off the band-aid. Force your parents to acknowledge that you are a sexual…
Must be low maintenance and highly oxygenating.
I’ve recently recovered from the simply devastating loss of my beloved Little Pickles and having been released from “do not sell to this bitch, she kills everything she touches” probation at my local garden store, I’ve decided it’s time to put myself back out there and get a new houseplant. Could you be the one to fill the Little Pickles sized, poorly lit hole in my heart?
Your living quarters:
On the ceiling in the northwest corner of my living room, there’s a hook that was installed by the former tenant that I have decided is perfect for plants. Little…
Am I more single than ever before? Indeed I am.
Have my attachment issues to my vibrator become somewhat problematic? Maybe.
Am I worried that sex is nothing like riding a bike and I will in fact forget how to do it? A little.
Am I irrationally angry at my partnered friends? Of course.
Have I familiarized myself with every local park, analyzed the likelihood of receiving an open container violation, and cross-referenced it with the number of children present at a given time in order to identify the prime socially distant first date location? Duh.
As a result, do I never want to step foot in a fucking park…
It’s like an earthquake kit — if a shift in tectonic plates could bring about the end of democracy.
November 3rd/doomsday/the last stand/whatever you want to call it is fast approaching and we are, to put it simply — not ready. For my fellow Californians out there, this is the big one. Do you have bottled water, sneakers, and a stash of cash ready? Me neither. Do you have New Zealand citizenship? Didn’t think so. Do you know how you’ll spend your day, your week, maybe even your month waiting for a Supreme Court decision and the results of the election? I’ve also looked into a medically induced coma and unsurprisingly, insurance doesn’t cover it.
But don’t you fret…
I get it, words are hard. Just look at Donald Trump — I’m pretty sure the only ones he can say correctly are Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV. Often times, the English language makes no sense — why does the word “know” sound like the word “no”? How do teachers just expect children learning to read to “know” the difference? Do “K” and “W”, similarly to Chris Harrison on the Bachelor Franchise, just like inserting themselves in places that would be better off without them?
Honestly though, I understand that names that aren’t “Matt”, or of anyone who would never…
Dani Mahrer
Just for fun. Unless I end up making money, then it will be for money. @danimahrer on Instagram & Twitter.
