“How am I still single?” you ask. Let me explain the ways.

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

I don’t trust people that don’t like kids and I don’t completely trust myself to have them. On the off chance we do have little baby alien humans, you must be a magnificent father because I will be a mediocre mother at best.

It’s important that I feel like a little spoon at all times, which requires at least a five-inch height difference. This will allow me to gain a bit of weight (something I can do but you probably shouldn’t) and still feel small in comparison.

We don’t believe in God in this relationship, but we do believe in…

No children were harmed during the making of this list.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

When they sing the “grownups come back” song from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood: Usually, sure. But if your dad ever says he’s going out for a pack of cigarettes, you should be concerned.

When they won’t wear the perfectly curated outfits I picked out to make them look like little hipster children: Look honey, Tiffany just posted a photo of baby Atticus in a sweater vest and bowtie and it got over 1,000 likes so please, for the love of Instagram sponsorships and my mommy blog, just put on this tweed jacket, flat cap, and pocket watch. …

I used to teach Zionism to young American Jews, now I oppose it.

Photo by Sander Crombach on Unsplash

The day after I made Aliyah — landing in Tel Aviv as an Israeli citizen, I woke up with the stomach flu. The welcome party my friends had planned at one of our favorite bars in Jerusalem was cancelled and I spent my first two days as an Israeli with my head in my friend’s toilet. My body was literally rejecting my new found citizenship — attempting to expel Zionism from my gut until all that remained was pale yellow stomach acid and a sizable check from the Israeli government.

My mind on the other hand, took much longer to…

Hello, it’s me. I was wondering if after all these years (inside my uterus) you’d like to chat.

Art by Meg Adler

Dear Mirena,

First of all, hello. We’ve never been formally introduced. Unless, of course, you consider being abruptly inserted into my uterus by a doctor whose face was buried in my vagina “formal.” I’m Dani — the owner of the uterus inside which you live. I wish we had had some more time to get to know each other, but here we are — two years later and I know nothing about you. What are your hopes? Your dreams? Have you always wanted to be 99.9% effective at preventing pregnancy? How did you land on the T-shape? Do you have…

The toxic hookup culture told me I was only as valuable as the amount of attention I got from Nice Jewish Boys

Photo: FilippoBacci / Getty Images

From the ages of 11 to 22, I spent almost every weekend at Jewish youth group events in L.A., and summers at a Jewish summer camp in Santa Rosa, California. Once we entered high school, our youth group had a point system: The more hookups you had, the more points you got. The teens in leadership positions were worth more. I was never in youth group leadership, but I often found myself in the bed, backseat, or sleeping bag of a boy that was.

According to our point system I wasn’t worth much on my own, but every kiss, every…

No seriously, I’ve never actually tried it.

Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash

Since my 4.5 year relationship ended just over 2 years ago, I have absolutely refused to be alone. I got a taste of the coupled up life and have been in the aggressive pursuit of reclaiming that status from the moment I was dumped while heating up a Trader Joe’s burrito for lunch in the kitchen we shared. I re-activated my Hinge account the following day.

I was devastated when we broke up. Not because I was losing him, but because I was losing that relationship status. Sure, I loved Brad — but only as much as you could love…

Just let me be (located on the side of the head).

Photo by Gabriel Porras on Unsplash

It has recently come to my attention that I am “not cool”, “for olds” and “over” and I would like to take this opportunity to defend myself. And I’d like to start by asking: since when do the youths have a say? Back in my day, old white men decided how things should be and they never had a problem with my location on the deep left side of the scalp.

These middle-parters on TikTok seem to think that being a side part is a choice. It is not. My millennial was born this way and as much as she…

How to grieve for your love life.

Photo by Cosmic Timetraveler on Unsplash

So this is how I die? Alone in my thirties in a basement apartment with my Wiccan roommate and her miniature dachshund in the next room? I wonder if any of my exes are available to marry me immediately. Okay, no. This is fine. Let me just update the ‘Looking for’ in my dating app profiles to: “Someone with a large one — two-bedroom apartment, a 401K, and who will love me unconditionally but also leave me alone most of the time. Bonus points if you have a dog.”

I mean, how much longer could this last — a month…

I take absolutely no responsibility.

Photo by Andy Feliciotti on Unsplash

In the spirit of Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Lindsey Graham, Mitch McConnel, Marco Rubio, and of course, Donald Trump — a crew I have affectionately nicknamed “The Sycophant Six”, I’d like to take this opportunity to unequivocally condemn the consequences of any and all questionable, despicable, or insurrection inducing actions I have ever taken. In reading this statement I hope you will join me in shirking responsibility, lying, and moving on — for the good of m̶y ̶p̶o̶l̶i̶t̶i̶c̶a̶l̶ ̶c̶a̶r̶e̶e̶r ̶ the country.

My full statement:

  • The condition of my living room rug is a shocking assault on the aesthetic of…

New year, new ways to prevent the spread of COVID-19.

Illustration by Alexa Dodson
  1. Live a healthier lifestyle by getting vaccinated before Brittany — your high school nemesis, longtime Facebook friend, and current multi-level marketing scheme participant. If you can’t figure out a way to get inoculated before someone that peddles Avon Products for “a living” then please consider yourself a failure.
  2. Travel more than just between your bed and your couch. Show the mid-century modern living room accent chair you bought from your racist neighbor on Nextdoor some love. It too would like to mold into the shape of your ass.
  3. Save money on car insurance by switching to GEICO. And then selling…

Dani Mahrer

Full time renewable energy professional, free time snarky writer.

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