“How am I still single?” you ask. Let me explain the ways.

1. Must love kids, but not really want them.

I don’t trust people that don’t like kids and I don’t completely trust myself to have them. On the off chance we do have little baby alien humans, you must be a magnificent father because I will be a mediocre mother at best.

2. Must be over 5’8’’ even though I’m under 5’3’’.

It’s important that I feel like a…

No children were harmed during the making of this list.

When they sing the “grownups come back” song from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood: Usually, sure. But if your dad ever says he’s going out for a pack of cigarettes, you should be concerned.

When they won’t wear the perfectly curated outfits I picked out to make them look like little hipster…

Hello, it’s me. I was wondering if after all these years (inside my uterus) you’d like to chat.

Dear Mirena,

First of all, hello. We’ve never been formally introduced. Unless, of course, you consider being abruptly inserted into my uterus by a doctor whose face was buried in my vagina “formal.” I’m Dani — the owner of the uterus inside which you live. I wish we had had…

The toxic hookup culture told me I was only as valuable as the amount of attention I got from Nice Jewish Boys

From the ages of 11 to 22, I spent almost every weekend at Jewish youth group events in L.A., and summers at a Jewish summer camp in Santa Rosa, California. Once we entered high school, our youth group had a point system: The more hookups you had, the more points…

New year, new ways to prevent the spread of COVID-19.

  1. Live a healthier lifestyle by getting vaccinated before Brittany — your high school nemesis, longtime Facebook friend, and current multi-level marketing scheme participant. If you can’t figure out a way to get inoculated before someone that peddles Avon Products for “a living” then please consider yourself a failure.
  2. Travel more…

Dani Mahrer

Full time renewable energy professional, free time snarky writer.

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