I Am A Millennial’s Side Part And I Refuse To Be Cancelled By Gen Z
It has recently come to my attention that I am “not cool”, “for olds” and “over” and I would like to take this opportunity to defend myself. And I’d like to start by asking: since when do the youths have a say? Back in my day, old white men decided how things should be and they never had a problem with my location on the deep left side of the scalp.
These middle-parters on TikTok seem to think that being a side part is a choice. It is not. My millennial was born this way and as much as she tries to change, adapt to the times, come off as cool— she’ll never be able to, she’s just too old. In fact, every morning she wakes up, throws her hair down and head back in the hopes that I will adjust, that I will step to the right. And every morning I remind her that the lyrics to Time Warp start with “it’s just a jump to the left” and I’m a stubborn bitch who refuses to move.
I humored her once, gave in to her aggressive combing. But it was just to teach her a lesson. Because by forcing me to the middle she was quickly reminded of the years she spent overplucking her eyebrows. Now entirely asymmetrical, it’s me — her side part that does all the hard work of hiding the evidence.
You see, the early 2000’s didn’t give millennials a choice when it came to their eyebrows — they simply had to pluck them to the brink of nonexistence. So now, in the 2020’s they have no choice but to leave their parts where they belong — on the side, covering one brow and the shame of their past mistakes.
So Gen Z, don’t come at me with your untouched brows, mom jeans, and popular TikTok accounts — trying to tell me where on the scalp spectrum I should be. I didn’t say anything about your biker shorts and oversized sweatshirts did I?
And skinny jeans aren’t going anywhere either — you try getting these things off.