Lessons from The Bachelor Week 7: Nick is allergic to rose ceremonies and in Bimini we wear bikinis.
So after miraculously making it to week 7 without falling into a boredom induced coma (thank you Corinne), the most exciting news this week is not what happened on the episode but that American FINALLY has a non-white Bachelor franchise lead. I would thank ABC for this, but after 15 years and 33 seasons of white supremacy they don’t deserve a thank you. They deserve a huge slap in the face and probably a racial equality lawsuit. But I am thankful that my first prediction has come true — Rachel is the next Bachelorette, and if Michael Garafola goes on as a contestant then I should seriously consider a career in fortune telling, or Bachelor/ette producing.
Before jumping into this week’s highlights, I would like to discuss this season’s lack of rose ceremonies. I have already expressed my reliance on episodes ending in rose ceremonies — and 2017’s trend of destroying all that is sacred (democracy, equality, hope for the future, etc) has not spared the long standing tradition of episode ending rose ceremonies. But to make things worse, Nick has basically decided to do away with cocktail hours and rose ceremonies all together. He has instead opted for mid-date ditches or dramatic and tear-filled (usually his) house visits and surprise breakups (this week’s casualties: Danielle M. and Kristina). Does he just not have enough suits? Does he hate cocktails? Does he depend on the extra gym time? Is he intent on making it really difficult to tally Bachelor bracket scores? Whatever the reason, I don’t appreciate it.
Rose ceremony or not, I have some thoughts and here they are:
Who wears short shorts? Nick wears short shorts: I think we can officially call it — Nick is the new face, or crotch and thighs, of Chubbies. We’ve seen at least three pairs in the past two weeks and it almost feels like instead of watching the Bachelor in my living room I am being tortured at a Fort Mason day drinking party on a warm Sunday afternoon. I wonder how much Nick is being paid for sponsorship. Is it more or less than he is being paid to take Corinne all the way to hometowns?
This week on the Corinne Show: It feels like we have been waiting for this episode all season — where Corinne says she has a platinum vagine and tries to seduce Nick pre-fantasy suite. Like everything else Nick has ever done, we were left disappointed as as he turned her down and sent her hobbling back to the house in her Louboutins — platinum vagine intact. Can we dissect this “platinum vagine” situation for a moment — what does she REALLY mean?
After a bit of research and considerable effort spent on figuring out how to make Corinne seem even less appealing than she already is, I believe I have come up with an answer; Wikipedia has informed me that “ being a heavy metal, platinum leads to health issues upon exposure to its salts”. So really Corinne was issuing a warning, and bravo to Nick for avoiding exposure and possible STD’s.
Where is Vanessa — a working theory: Vanessa had an uneventful one-on-one this week and then disappeared for the rest of the episode. “Where is Vanessa?” I asked myself many a times on Monday night. Well, since the producers gave us no explanation, I have come up with one myself:
So distraught by Nick’s inability to show his love for her during their second date while he is still dating 5 other girls, Vanessa put herself down for a long nap, just like Abraham Lincoln and Michael Jordan had done before her. She vowed to only wake up when the charade was over, Corinne was back in Miami eating cheese pasta, Raven was dating Luke as was always intended, and her and Nick could announce their engagement.
Can I walk you out?: Every time Nick and all other Bachelor leads before him has dumped someone mid date/outside of a rose ceremony, they end the painfully awkward break up convo by saying: “Can I walk you out?”. Nick did it again this week with Kristina, and I was really hoping she would be the one to finally say “No, you cannot walk me out you asshole. You just broke up with me on national television. I’ll fucking walk myself out”. It didn’t quite go down that way, but I will remain hopeful for the future.