My Statement Condemning The Consequences Of My Actions
In the spirit of Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Lindsey Graham, Mitch McConnel, Marco Rubio, and of course, Donald Trump — a crew I have affectionately nicknamed “The Sycophant Six”, I’d like to take this opportunity to unequivocally condemn the consequences of any and all questionable, despicable, or insurrection inducing actions I have ever taken. In reading this statement I hope you will join me in shirking responsibility, lying, and moving on — for the good of m̶y ̶p̶o̶l̶i̶t̶i̶c̶a̶l̶ ̶c̶a̶r̶e̶e̶r ̶ the country.
My full statement:
- The condition of my living room rug is a shocking assault on the aesthetic of my apartment. An appliance should vigorously vacuum every crumb and stain that has accumulated from all of the meals, snacks, and wine I have consumed (but not cleaned) since I moved in.
- Thank you to the brave nice guys who have put their hearts on the line in pursuit of a relationship with me. The avoidance tactics must end. Those (definitely not me, not at all) that have strung you along and used you for attention only to drop you for a taller, less emotionally available model must be prosecuted and banned from swiping for at least two weeks.
- Those who made this attack on my credit card statement need to be identified and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. These purchases, namely of loungewear and Postmates deliveries, are repugnant to my savings plan.
- The ultimate blame for the destruction caused by the party I threw at my parents house while they were out of town lays with the unhinged high schoolers who were certainly not invited by me. But this fact does not preclude the need to address the shocking failures in my parents’ security system on their liquor cabinet. I mean, there wasn’t even a lock — you basically asked them to drink your 25 year old scotch.
- Skinny jeans, my hips and stomach are under assault. It is crucial you help restore my pre-pandemic body by sending resources to assist me in losing weight that don’t involve “working out” or “eating healthy”.
- I know your pain. I know you’re hurt. We had a coupling that was stolen from us. It was a landslide decision, and everyone knows that I deserve to date Harry Styles. But we can’t play into the hands of Olivia Wilde. We have to have peace. So stop threating her on Twitter. We love you. You’re very special. But go home and continue cyber bullying Olivia from there, in peace.