Things I’d Say To My Children If I Didn’t Have To Pay For Their Therapy Later In Life
No children were harmed during the making of this list.
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When they sing the “grownups come back” song from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood: Usually, sure. But if your dad ever says he’s going out for a pack of cigarettes, you should be concerned.
When they won’t wear the perfectly curated outfits I picked out to make them look like little hipster children: Look honey, Tiffany just posted a photo of baby Atticus in a sweater vest and bowtie and it got over 1,000 likes so please, for the love of Instagram sponsorships and my mommy blog, just put on this tweed jacket, flat cap, and pocket watch. If the post performs well, I’ll put some of the earnings in your college fund.
When they request I sing them a lullaby: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, it’s better than yours, damn right it’s better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge.
When they refuse to go to sleep even after reading three stories, singing five lullabies, and taking two trips to the bathroom for last minute potties: I swear to god if you don’t close yours eyes and go to sleep in the next five minutes your father and I are both going out for a pack of cigarettes.
When they ask me who god is: Well, a lot of people think god is this all powerful being that is responsible for everything good that happens in the world and also an excuse for anything bad they do. But I just think it’s Morgan Freeman.
When they say they have to potty but don’t actually potty because it’s really just an advanced tactic to delay bedtime: Keep pulling this shit and I’ll send you to kindergarten in diapers.
When they want more expensive toys: And I want Daddy to make more money so I can quit my job, hire a full-time nanny, and spend my days at brunch and yoga class like Lilly’s mom. But we can’t always get what we want now can we? That’s what I thought, now go play with your empty Amazon box sweetie.
When they request avocado toast for lunch: That’ll be $16 dollars.
When I make two trips to Target in one day for them without ever visiting the women’s clothing section: And this is why one day, you will pay for me to live in one of those retirement communities with pools, tennis courts, and sexy single seniors (yes, I plan on outliving your father).
When they throw a tantrum because you suggest they wear tennis shoes instead of heeled booties to the park: You call that a tantrum? I’ll show you a tantrum — hold my beer.
When they won’t eat the gourmet meal I prepared of dinosaur chicken nuggets and microwave mac n’ cheese: There are starving children in Yemen *pulls up photos of starving children in Yemen*, who would do anything for a T-Rex nugget. Now dip that triceratops in the extra cheese sauce and take a goddamn bite.
When all they want to do is watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse: You know, Walt Disney was an anti-Semite.
When they squeeze an entire bottle of Banana Boat sunscreen onto the couch: Oh honey that’s okay, I’m just going to calculate these damages and deduct it from your college fund.
When they ask Alexa to play “Baby Shark” for the 10th time that hour: Okay, but this is the last time and then we are all going to sit down for a family movie night where you will learn the truth about sharks. “Alexa, rent Jaws.”
When they don’t say goodnight to the little old lady whispering hush: That’s it, you’re going to live with your grandmother. And just look at the number she did on me.
Important disclaimer: All scenarios were inspired by my niece and nephew who I love dearly. I don’t actually have any children of my own and I think we can all agree that I probably never should.
