Woman Seeking Houseplant For Long Term Companionship
Must be low maintenance and highly oxygenating.
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I’ve recently recovered from the simply devastating loss of my beloved Little Pickles and having been released from “do not sell to this bitch, she kills everything she touches” probation at my local garden store, I’ve decided it’s time to put myself back out there and get a new houseplant. Could you be the one to fill the Little Pickles sized, poorly lit hole in my heart?
Your living quarters:
On the ceiling in the northwest corner of my living room, there’s a hook that was installed by the former tenant that I have decided is perfect for plants. Little Pickles did not agree, and that’s why she died. But this spot will be perfect for you.
It doesn’t get much light, but it’s close enough to the television that the glare of my frequent Netflix binges should suffice. Do you watch CNN? I’d love to be able to have someone to watch Cuomo Prime Time with while I masturbate.
A macramé plant hanger. It’s a cute little bohemian plant prison which I am sure you will love. I am required by law to disclose that a plant (Little Pickles) has died in it in the past — but I don’t see why this would happen again.
Amenities:
Water is free, but I’d prefer it if you told me when you wanted some. Even babies know they should cry when they need something — and they are babies.
Great conversation. There will be no expectation that you engage, just an extremely high expectation that you listen and be supportive. In fact, please don’t try to talk back — if I cared about what others had to say I’d be looking for a boyfriend not a houseplant. Unless you are telling me that you need water in which case, if I’m not busy watching Cuomo Prime Time, speak up and I’ll bring you some water.
Plant friends. There are a few remaining survivors scattered throughout the apartment. Perhaps they can give you some tips on how to not end up like Little Pickles (dead). They do however, live in different rooms so developing friendships might be difficult — you can try zoom.
About you, the plant:
You have sexy little vines — like Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy but without the poison. You’re resilient, independent, and ready for growth.
Most importantly, you must have a strong will to survive — I just don’t think I’d make it through another episode of withering greens. Of course your survival will be entirely your responsibility. I’m looking for a companion, not to take on the roll of caretaker or god forbid — plant mom.
How do you feel about the name Christofern Cuomo?
